How the Lord Healed my Bipolar Disorder (Psychologically)

Mental/Psychological Changes that Healed my Bipolar

Last week I talked about the Lord helping me make physical changes to improve my brain’s chemistry and thereby heal my bipolar in a physical way. Part 2 is about God healing my mind through changes in my thought patterns (psychology). These changes were of equal importance in how the Lord healed my bipolar disorder.

Again, “Bipolar Depression may be described as a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression.” https://www.citrialsbipolardepression.com/

Besides the chemical factors in the brain that triggered these emotions I found that circumstances equally triggered my bipolar symptoms. To replace being affected by the highs and lows of what was going on around me, I needed to change my thought patterns.

I am not trying to say that these things are a sure cure for Bipolar or will work for everyone. I can only share my experiences and hope that the information may be helpful to some people.

Learning to Face Negative and Wonderful Aspects of Life in a Mature Way

I often have thought in my life, “I am a very nice person as long as things go my way.” I felt happy when everything was going right and ornery when things went wrong. The problem was, life was full of conflict, so I was unhappy about half the time.

I thought that was perfectly normal, but now I see that there are people who live with inner peace almost all the time regardless of circumstances. It is like living on a higher plain of consciousness.

In my experience negative thought patterns cause fear, pride, resentment, enmity, and despair. As I retrained my mind through God’s grace, I was more constant in Him and began to have more faith, humility, love, and hope. Here are some things helped me.

View All As “Right”

I read a quote in A Light in the Wilderness by M. Catherine Thomas that helped me start to see everything as God’s will. This really increased my faith in God because I decided to trust Him every time conflict arose. He can stop or make anything happen, so if He hasn’t stopped it, it must be for a purpose. This of course raises the question, “Why would God allow terrible abuse or violence?” I believe God’s workings go far beyond what we can see and that everything fits together in a sort of complicated math problem.

Here is what I read in Thomas’ book (p.26-27) that impacted me so much. It is from John Taylor, an early leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is speaking in referring to the trials of the Church at the time and quotes the poet Alexander Pope.

“In relation to anything that has or may transpire, I feel that we are in the hands of God and all is right…. We ought to feel that we are in the Church and kingdom of God, and that God is at the helm, and that all is right and will continue to be. I feel as easy as an old shoe.”

“What if we should be driven to the mountains? Let us be driven. What if we must burn our houses? Why, set fire to them with a good grace, and dance a jig round them while they are burning. ”

“What do I care about these things? We are in the hands of God, and all is right…. What is the position, then, that we ought to occupy- every man, woman, and child? Do our duty before God- honor him, and all is right. Concerning events yet to transpire, we must trust them in the hands of God, and feel that ‘whatever is, is right,’ and that God will control all things for our best good and the interest of his Church and kingdom on the earth. ”

“If we live here and prosper, all right; if we leave here, all right; and if we have to pass through affliction, all right. By and by, when we come to gaze on the fitness of things that are now obscure to us, we shall find that God, although he has moved in a mysterious way to accomplish his purposes on the earth and his purposes relative to us as individuals and families, all things are governed by that wisdom which flows from God, and all things are right and calculated to promote every person’s eternal welfare before God.”

Submit Cheerfully to God’s Will

Seeing everything as God’s will gave me the opportunity to decide to submit to it cheerfully because I trust Him. When my child woke me up at 2 am instead ranting in my head about how tired I was I started to say, “Thy will be done.” One day my tire went flat on the freeway and instead of worrying about the time it would take to get home and the groceries in the car I thought, “Thy will be done.”

I automatically turned to God for help and found this increased not only my faith, but my humility before God. Humitlity started to mean being willing to go with His plan instead of mine and giving Him the credit for everything good.

I could accept my weaknesses and problems with faith that there might be a purpose to them. Because of this belief I stopped viewing myself as a victim of circumstance and started repeating the mantra, “Life is happening for me, not to me.”

The last time I saw my grandmother, Patricia Byrd, before she got dementia, she told me a story from her life that illustrated this lesson. She said that one Christmas she had mailed a package to her brother across the country and right before Christmas Day it showed up at her house again. She was so angry with the postal workers and tried to file complaints and fix the problem. Then, a few days later she received word that her brother’s house caught fire, and everything was burnt. When she heard the news, she was so grateful for the postal error. She told me it taught her not to get angry.

Looking for God’s purposes in all things (the silver lining) reminds me of Pollyanna’s “glad game”. She found something good in every situation and focused on it.

Write

Another tool God gave me to psychologically combat bipolar was to write about things that were troubling me. If I was very upset, I would use scratch paper and write out all the negative stuff. This helped me get my thoughts clear and receive revelation on how to handle situations. Then I would dispose of the paper. Overtime I needed to do this less and less.

I listened to a YouTube video about contesting negative thoughts with an A, B, C, D, E system.

A stands for adversity
B stands for beliefs
C stands for consequences
D stands for disputation
E stands for energize

I can’t find the video now, but it was based on a book by Sonja Lyubomirsky called The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want . There is a great summary of the method in the following blog. https://www.positivelypresent.com/2009/07/disputing-negativity-is-as-easy-as-abcde.html. I used the method on paper for a while until it was automatic.

Writing in my journal each night helped me too. I would list 5 things I was grateful for each day everyday even if I didn’t write about what had transpired during the day. This, of course, brought out my “Pollyanna.”

Meditation and Breathing

To combat depression as well as mania, meditation taught me to free open my mind so that I can tap into my Higher Power more continually and receive guidance. When things are going well, I think about God and thank him. I breathe deeply and practice awareness by taking stock of everything that is going on around me and out of sight of me (the good and the bad around the world).

This short video helped me focus on my breathing as a form of meditation. The man is so cute and he explained to me the way I usually thought and suggested focusing on breathing to quiet our mind. It is called “How to train your monkey mind.”

For me meditation is centered on God, seeking His will, and “looking to [Him] in every thought.” (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36)

Redirect Critical Thoughts

I used to constantly criticize things and people. As a result, and without realizing it, I criticized myself too. I expected way too much of myself and when I didn’t measure up I would get frustrated and depressed…mood swings.

What is the root of criticism? It might be the belief that our worth depends on our accomplishments and other’s approval. Here are some things I do to redirect critical thoughts:

Replace criticism with a prayer for the person or situation (including myself). If I don’t like what a person is doing I will pray for them receive help from God to stop.
Replace the critical thought with the mantra, “We need less judging and more loving.” I heard this phrase from a Church leader once.
Play devil’s advocate and contest the criticism as mentioned with the ABCDE method. I find think of ways my critical thought is not true, or only partly true.
Never say anything negative about someone or something unless I am planning how to help them or the situation.
Only say things about other people that I think they wouldn’t mind overhearing. Choose words carefully when it is necessary to council about someone else’s problems (including my own children). This leads me to be the same everywhere and with everyone. It gives me an attitude that encourages unity instead of enmity and equality instead of hierarchies.

Understand that Every Human’s Worth is the Same as a Child of God

I used to respect people more that did great things and I felt to be respected I needed to do great things. This left me feeling proud when I was doing well (mania) and depressed when I was not measuring up. I was also self-centered because my worth depended on what I was doing. When I realized that God is allowing me to succeed and He gives me all my powers and talents, I felt grateful instead of proud. He is also allowing my failures and so I felt submissive instead of depressed.

I believe we all deserve the same respect from the homeless person on the street to the Presidents and Kings of nations. This is not to say that we trust everyone the same. We have boundaries with certain people that we know could do us emotional or physical harm, but I respect them as a child of God.

Let Go of Perfectionism

God’s will is much less demanding than ours. He doesn’t expect perfect outcomes, just complete (or perfect) submission of my whole heart. I have started telling myself to expect about 80% performance for myself and my children. They are usually giving 100% of their effort. Most of us are trying out best.

When I was young, I wanted an A+ and a 100% in school. To get that meant I was one of the best. It was written in black and white right in front of everyone’s face. But there is so much more going on than we can see. There is so much more in our hearts and our minds than people know. If we could see inside everyone’s mind, we would only have compassion for one another.

Conclusion

Submitting to God’s will, focusing on Him through meditation, and letting go of criticism helped me find inner peace. The Lord healed my bipolar disorder psychologically. I see the world and everything it in differently.

Things that I saw as negative before are non-issues for me now. I am upset by real issues only briefly and without despair because I have hope that I will be able to handle them with God. Mania is replaced with a constant seeking for God’s will in every thought.

November 20, 2018December 19, 2018

How Do You Handle Boys?

How Do You Do It?

I get this question all the time. First, I need to clarify what people mean by “How do you handle five boys?” They might be saying, “How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?” or “How do you stay sane and not lose it on your kids?” There are several answers to both questions

How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?

I don’t. Many of the things I do are quite different from most people because I have had to adapt how we do homework, how we read as a family, how we discipline, how we find entertainment, and basically everything to our specific circumstances. We don’t “measure up” to our society’s standards in academics, athletics, behavior, faith, finances, or courtesy. So, if you want to meet certain criteria for your children, I might not recommend having a lot of boys close together unless you know you are very capable.

I may not be fully capable of handling what I’ve been given. But, when it comes to choosing how many children to have and when, I have learned that when we council with the Lord and put our lives in God’s hands He will make sure the number of kids and the timing will make us the happiest in the long run. My road has been very difficult and I am lacking in so many ways for my children. (See my post on “Mom Guilt”). They aren’t as talented or as disciplined as they would be if I had fewer children and farther apart. But, it’s all in God’s hands and He will make it all work out. Even though it has been incredibly hard to raise them, those five boys are the best thing I have ever done and I am so glad I had them.

How Do You Stay Sane?

Well, there was a time when I wasn’t. I functioned from an unhealthy state of mind for most of my life and finally, the boys broke me. I had to become a different person and I praise the Lord for it. The old me was usually negative, stressed, and unhappy under the chaotic and loud circumstances of raising five boys. Through God’s grace I learned (and am still learning) to set up healthy boundaries, change my thought patterns, and be serene.

Boundaries

Boys need a lot of discipline. I learned about the idea positive parenting from my father, Tom Dozier, who is a behavioral scientist. His website Guarenteed Parent Training. Love and Logic helped me alot too because boys need consequences. They teach to give consequences lovingly and with empathy. It helps a parent stay calm so the child knows their misbehavior is their problem and not yours.

Another resource that revolutionized my life and my parenting was the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I used to discipline out of fear (yelling and inflicting pain) because I didn’t realize how much control I had as a parent. Also, I often felt like a victim and that my sweet children were my aggressors. All that changed with Boundaries. I read Boundaries, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Marriage.

Mark Gregston with Parenting Today’s Teens and Heartlight Ministry teaches how to set up rules, consequences, and have a strong relationship so that we “glorify God through our parenting.”

Positive Thought Patterns

Focus on the good because there’s a lot of good and a lot of bad. I decided to stop myself from thinking about or talking to others about the bad things my kids were doing. It was a form of look-how-I-am-a-martyr comedy. Overtime, I turned every concern or complaint into a prayer. This turned the negative into hope. I started listing at least five things in my journal each night that I was grateful for. Soon, I would notice and think about the simple pleasures of motherhood and life more.

If I am focused on the messes, the noise, immature choices, cussing, or rudeness then I miss the boy’s zest for life, ideas for fun, and gestures of unconditional love. Boys are very loving. Sometimes my boys tell me, “You’re so beautiful. You’re so talented, smart, and funny.” But they only feel safe to do that when they see me smiling or at peace.

Serenity

I must be in tune with my emotions. This came slowly and with practice overtime. I was out of touch with my feelings. For most of my life I thought it was normal to function when I was stressed out. Now, when I start to feel stressed, uneasy, angry, negative or critical I take the time to breathe, write, or do an anger drill. Sometimes I am not sure going into it what is causing me to feel negative and stressed. But taking the time to process my emotions helps me to recognize what the problem is (if any) and make a rational and inspired choice.

The first thing I do is go where I can be alone and take inventory of what is going on at the present moment. I list off everything good and bad. This shows me how much good there is. For example, one day I was realized, “Four of my children are doing what their supposed to, I have food to eat and clothes to wear, the birds are chirping, the trees and flowers are outside, dinner is cooking. I am just upset by one child’s obstinance.” Then I prayed and decided how to handle it. Another day I realized, “The children are being great. I am just stressed out because I am worried that dinner will not taste good, no one will eat, and it will be late.”

At times things surface that are of deep concern. Maybe I become aware of a problem at school or a certain behavior problem that I didn’t seem to notice before. At these times I turn to the Lord in faith, give Him control, and pray for help, guidance, Grace, and answers. He always gives me His grace. I also council with my husband and let him know the things that are worrying me and what I’m doing and praying for. The Lord gives my husband and I revelation as we council together. Many times when I ask God for answers He tells me to talk to my husband about the concern. Then, we come up with the answer together.

The Joy of Boys

I will end with a snippet of our life. Look for the negative and positive alternating pattern. Yesterday morning some of my children were cussing, being rude, and refusing to do chores. I kept my cool and withheld their privileges lovingly. (Enforcing boundaries like this is more complicated than it sounds). Eventually, everyone did their chores. We did the grocery shopping, watched some TV, had a fire in the fire pit.

The highlight of my day was when the boys asked me to play with them. They gave me the best gun and we ran around and shot at our oppossing teammates. Thirty minutes later they were terribly rude at dinner and I sent them to bed early. Around their regular bedtime I told them a story about a lady who had tiny gold nuggets come out of her ears when she sneezed. (They like me to “tell them a story with my mouth”). I read a few scripture verses to them and some Church literature. We talked, hugged and prayed. It was beautiful.

Two hours later I went in their room for something and discovered three of them missing. I knew where they were because of a comment I had heard in the morning. They had climbed out the window and were sleeping in the frigid fall night in the old chicken coop. They were wearing their coats and laying on the piece of carpet that used to be in our living room. I woke them up and had them go back to their beds. I kissed them and explained that I want them to be safe and clean.

I Handle It with God

In conclusion, to handle five boys I have to adapt life to our circumstances without worrying what others think, set up boundaries (aka discipline a lot), focus on the abundance of good, and take time to regulate my emotions so I can handle the bad calmly.

November 6, 2018September 11, 2019

Feel Like a Good Mom, No Guilt

Jesus Christ kneeling down and touching the face of a sick woman sitting against a tree with a baby in her arms. He can heal our spirits and take away our guilt.

“I-must-be-a-bad-Mom” Guilt

When children and times are challenging we may worry if we’re a “bad mom”. I used to have a lot of shame for not measuring up to what I thought a “good mom” and family should be. My whole definition of a “good mom” has changed. This is what I do to be and feel like a good mom and be free from “Mommy Guilt” and shame.

Rely On Jesus Christ

I do a lot of things wrong, I am a very weak, and I have a lot to learn. A lot of the problems my family has to endure are because of my lack of knowledge and skills. This naturally made me feel like I wasn’t a good mom and carry guilt. But, now I believe God has given me everything I need to succeed right now. He knows my family and what we have to deal with. It is all part of His plan.

Because of Christ’s atonement, all of the bad can work together for our good and for His purposes. I remember that He makes up the difference for where I fail. Thanks to Him I can receive forgiveness for my sins and receive power far beyond my own. God also does many miracles and works in my life (far beyond anything my own efforts could do) to help my good desires become a reality. He helps me feel like a “Good Mom” and takes my guilt from me.

Continually Repent

I do mess up as a parent everyday. I am selfish and prideful (not fully, of course). Too often I put my will above God’s, judge my children, or think negatively about them. These things naturally (and for good reason) bring guilt. But I have that guilt lifted right away by Jesus Christ if I repent immediately. Then I feel like (and am) a “good Mom” without guilt. Not because of my talents and capacities, but because I am pure through Christ.

To repent, I say sorry, rededicate myself to God, and try to be a little better than before. I can feel clean and pure and good before God everytime I commit to change.

But, I need to have a realistic expectations for change. I used to have the idea that if I yelled or hit my kids and I repented that meant I needed to never do those things again. I was basically expecting myself to become a perfect mother from then on and never mess up. So, I felt a lot of guilt and like a bad mom because I didn’t think I was really repenting. God showed me that I need to say sorry every time and then ask for help to do it less as oppossed to never. I began to see improvement and grace instead of failure.

Seek God’s Will Daily

God’s will includes the commandments and teachings in the scriptures that are given to the human race as a whole. In addition, He has things He wants me to do as an individual. When I pray to know what to do each day and for particular individuals, I receive ideas in my mind or feelings in my heart. The Lord shows me His will for me. Doing this is daily (and even hourly) is living by revelation and makes me become a partner with God in His work.

This way guilt is replaced with a deep sense of approval from God, knowing God is pleased with me and my efforts that day regardless of all my other problems. He never asks me to do anything that is too much for me because He knows me perfectly. When I have prayed to know what he wants me to do I have received answers such as: eat less sugar, strengthen your abdominals, practice awareness, read the scriptures longer, let Jacob color, be kind to Keith, make your husband dinner.

Keep Learning

As long as I am doing my best I am ok. But, what was my best yesterday may not be my best today. God expects me to keep learning from my mistakes, from study, and from Him through personal revelation.

A New Definition For a “Good Mom”

I used to think a “good mom” did a certain list of do’s and don’ts (clean house, make meals, don’t yell, discipline your children). All of these things are important and will naturally, eventually, be part of my new definition for “good mom.” But, you can be a good mom and yell or not be the best at house work. A “good mom” tries her hardest to follow God’s gentle will and change with the help of the Savior every day. This is something only an individual can judge. I am the only that knows how hard I am trying.

Doing all these things I mentioned is parenting with faith and helps me have confidence instead of guilt or shame. Now I have greater authority as a mother despite my sins and mistakes.

For more information about my change from shame and guilt-laden parentng to free and happy parenting see About Me.

October 17, 2018December 12, 2018

Waking Up

I remember my anger therapist asking me, “What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?” The first thing I would think of was what I needed to make my 8, 6, 5, and 3 year old do that day. Chores, education, etc. I was automatically filled with tension as soon as I woke up. Me against the kids.

It was all motivated out of love, mostly. I wanted to help them learn and grow. I wanted to help them develop the skills and talents they needed to be successful in life, serve the Lord, and provide for their families in the future. But, part of me also felt that my success as a mom depended on their actions. Many people may think this is true. If your children grow up to be contributing members of society you are a good parent, right? I agree, but I see more to it

Some things are out of our control. We can control our actions, thoughts, desires, beliefs, and attitudes. But, we can only influence other people’s choices. Ultimately, they have the final say in what they will choose to do, think, and want.

I felt a lot of frustration as a parent when I would try to make my children do their homework, pick up after themselves, be kind to each other, or do some household chores. I felt a lot of frustration as a spouse when I would try to make my husband do the dishes, vacuum, clean out the shed, watch less YouTube, or any other number of things. When I stopped focusing all day long on what I wanted others to do and switched the focus to my responsibilities and choices —all the tension was gone and people actually started to do what I wanted more!

I reviewed my responsibilities throughout the day whenever I started to feel tense: I need to make the meals, I supervise the chores and lovingly withhold privileges and give rewards when they are done. As for my husband, it was my responsibility to love him and treat him kindly. I remembered that he was doing his main responsibilities of providing for our family at work all day, being the spiritual leader of our home, and protecting us. If I felt like he wasn’t doing his responsibilities in some way I would calmly and politely bring my concern to him. That is a subject for another blog on resolving conflict. 🙂

To conclude, I let go of trying to control others and often repeated the Serenity Prayer when I started to feel tension:

God grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would like it.

Trusting that He will make all things right, If I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this world And supremely happy in the next.